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Like most young girls, I was raised with the double standard that sex is for male pleasure only. I was taught that single women who enjoyed sex was either fast or perverse. I was told that women should save their bodies for their husbands and not to give up the goods for anyone who wasn’t him. And even worse, I was told that casual sex is a male sport and women shouldn’t attempt it because it ruins reputations and women aren’t capable of doing such without feelings get involved. Needless to say, my upbringing as it pertains to sex was very straight and narrow. Yet and still, sex was and is all I could think about. I would often masturbate and feel guilty afterwards. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but my body enjoyed it. I nearly craved it. But because of what I was told, I kept that part of my life concealed, that is until now.
When I got into my first serious relationship, I kept some of those same views that was instilled in me earlier in life. I just wanted to please him. I wanted it to be good for him. If I got me, that was great, if not, maybe another time. Our sex life was very vanilla. We stuck to the basics. There was never any venturing outside of our norm, despite my urging curiosity. Naturally, I wanted more. I wanted to fulfill those desires that I’d been burying because I didn’t want to seem like a freak. I began looking at different types of porn sites. It was to the point that I knew some of my favorite porn stars by name. I wanted to explore different types of sex and kinks. For some reason, I was drawn to BDSM which was strange for me because it’s not something that other black women I knew liked or discussed. I often fantasied about dominating and being dominated. I realized at that point it was time to come face to face with the truth that I had been running from. Yes, I am a bit of freak and that is perfectly okay.
When I finally found my sexual freedom, things changed for me. I became liberated in more ways than one. I wanted to try EVERYTHING and for the most part, I did. Nothing was off limits for me. I became TRY-sexual if you will. I was finally choosing what I liked and enjoyed, even if it wasn’t the most traditional things.
I had to tell myself, “you deserve to feel good too” and once I did, I never looked back. I made the decision to change the narrative and dispel the negative connotations about women & sexual liberation. I wanted other women to see that women are capable of having casual sex with no strings attached. I also had to recondition my mind by telling myself that wanting to be sexually liberated doesn’t make you a whore. It just makes you a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to get it and that is a message I’ll stand on forever.